First and foremost: pictures from Friday, Saturday, Monday, and Tuesday. (Sunday is the “what I’ve been listening to” post that will happen later because I am lazy at the moment. Be looking for a crazy-old favorite.)
151/365
Downtown Seattle, with Mackenzie on our way to 88 Keys. Dueling piano bars = corny but really, really fun.
152/365
Yeah, sometimes I have lazy Saturday and I eat frozen pizza, and ice cream out of the container while watching gushy romances. But, it’s Jane Austen. Not exactly The Notebook or anything. I have a soft spot for Mr. Darcy, like any girl.
“You have to know, surely you must know…it was all for you.”
Ugh. Every time, it gets me every time. I am such a girl.
154/365
For over a month now, I’ve been lamenting the fact that I have a big oak table and no desk, no workspace. Working from my couch is not good, and my table is useless. Surely, I thought. if I have a desk, or a workstation, I will be 100 times more productive.
Why I never thought of pushing my big, useless table up against a wall and using it as a desk, I can’t tell you. But I finally did Monday night.
I’m sure it comes as a shock that I wasn’t any more productive than usual. You can tell because that’s 20sb opened on my browser.
155/365
I went for a walk in the rain last night. That was nice.
OKAY. Here is the post I’ve been writing for a couple of days in my head.
You may have noticed recently (or not) that I’m in kind of an unsteady place, bound to fall at any given moment.. Let’s look at the things that have gotten me here, in no particular order:
1. The disintegration of a five-or-six year relationship.
2. Seeing all my good girlfriends settling down with babies or fiancees or husbands, etc.
3. Family deaths.
4. Living in a city where I don’t know anyone, and as a result feeling really lonely and pathetic.
5. Feeling a little snubbed and rejected by other boys. (Knowing full well that feeling is stupid.)
6. Refer to number 1.
7. Drinking too much and doing a terrible thing to wonderful people, and as a result being too embarrassed to talk to that entire circle of friends.
8. Realizing my job is decent, but dealing with things that make me want to bash my brain against a wall.
So all that considered, here we are, trying really hard to balance my sanity with things like…wanting to go fucking crazy. I’m eight months away from leaving for Chile, assuming I get a job (I sign up for my TEFL course tomorrow!) So what am I supposed to do in the meantime?
I was talking to a friend about this, and he pointed out that right now is a time where I can go “crazy” and have a meltdown and it will be completely justifiable. I think he was maybe being facetious, but it got me thinking about Britney Spears.
I’m not one for celebrity drama, but I was fascinated by her meltdown. She did all that stupid stuff so damn well, like she’d been planning her meltdown as some sort of publicity stunt. I’m sure she didn’t, but each wrong step was like the perfect maneuver in complete self-destruction. It was breathtaking.
Well, anyway, I agreed with my friend. I have eight months to lose my mind in a way that doesn’t include hurting other people or any inflicting serious emotional wounds and, subsequently, scars.
So I have a meltdown I can get away with scott-free. What do I do with that?! Well, first, I decided that if I’m going to have a mental breakdown, then damnit, I am going to do it right. I’m going to plan this shit out. That way I don’t scare my family and friends too much, and therefore never run the risk of being institutionalized or something. They will know it’s all being done thoughtfully and consciously. I have not lost control!
…and I just really like to plan things.
Then second, I plan activities. I asked my friend. Then I asked 20somethingbloggers. Through them, I’ve developed a list of things I can take advantage of during this mental instability that will give me stories to tell and a chance to blow off some steam.
This list is comprised of possible options as suggested to me, in the order suggested. I have not made the decision to pursue any of them. If you think I should take advantage of any particular one, please say so. I’d like my total mental collapse to be entertaining and pleasing to everyone. I’ll follow some with my personal commentary.
Cut my own hair and get a completely new look. Well, to be honest, I look different now than I did through college. I was always dying my hair dark, red, whatever, and it was always really short. Now it’s long, blonde, and I think I honestly think it’s going to stay this way, in part because I’m naturally blonde, and I’m starting to think that it’s for a reason.
Date/sleep with/make out with a [travelling] musician. Uhhh…I feel like musicians are part of what got me here in the first place! But then my friend clarified. He means, sleep with/make out with a musician just passing through town and who is really from some godawful place I’d never want to visit, ever, if my life depended on it.
Jet off to Europe. This is tempting. But I have the running away to another country part already taken care of, so I’m not sure I should do Europe and Chile.
Make out with a lot of girls. I just want to say that I went to college. That’s all.
Adopt an obscure or trendy religion, but only temporarily. I’ve always found religions fascinating, but actually adopting one might be a different story. But those little red bracelets all those Hollywood types wear are really cute, if you ask me.
Just get in the car and drive until you run out of gas. I like this. It doesn’t seem that crazy, since I frequently will be like, “hey, I’m going to Multnomah Falls, or the beach, or wherever” on a whim. But I’ve never just gone until I get out of gas. I bet I could make it to Vancouver, BC if I drive north, somewhere in the middle of Oregon if I drive South.
Drugs. Specifics that have popped up are mostly LSD, mushrooms, and cocaine. I’m not really a drug-type. But, it is my license to go crazy, so I’ll pretend like I’m considering it, in part because of this comment by Sioux over at 20SB:
“Have NO reservations about LSD! That’s step one. Step two is to down a hit and spend a day at the ocean with some sandcastle toys. You probably won’t drown and you will definitely have some kind of awesome revelation, or at the very least, THE COOLEST SANDCASTLE EVER!”
Try polyamory. Considering my feelings with dating in general, I don’t know that this will be successful with me.
Move to Texas. According to Benny, who suggested this, there are more jobs than around here, and it is rapidly getting less lame. Something to consider when I move back to the US in 2012.
Travel Asia. It’s tempting as hell.
Spontaneously adopt a pet. I’ve been considering this for a while, so it’s really not spontaneous at all. But, it would fall into the damaging someone else category, because I’d eventually leave it behind when I leave for Chile. So…this is likely a no.
Finally, my friend Rob over at The Stir-Fried Dinosaur seems to have this meltdown thing down pat:
“If you don’t mind a little bit of aggressive self-destruction… I highly recommend LSD and cocaine and music festivals and road trips and shoplifting and sex with strippers and binge-drinking and a few burglaries with old friends and starting food fights at McDonald’s and playing guitar at the gravesites of dead musicians and lighting a few small fires and telling Ethan Hawke that he’s a pretentious fuckhead and telling a few girls you love them even though you’re almost certainly lying and being a bouncer at a night club and reading a lot of Bukowski and spending a lot of time in whatever local bar does turtle racing and working in a porno shop and… whatever else you feel like doing. And make sure you ALWAYS are drunk on Jim Beam and/or 100 proof Smirnoff.
And hey! If you’re still around and crazy by the time I get out to Portland, we could hang and I will show you how to throw heavy objects (TVs, musical instruments, fish tanks, etc.) out of 4th floor windows without killing pedestrians, whilst blacked out on whiskey. But that one definitely requires safety lessons and some training exercises.”
(This is your cue to go check out Rob’s blog, because he is full of wisdom and awesome.)
So. That’s it. This is my next eight months. I’ll also be attempting to cross some stuff from my 30 before 30 list.
And Mom, relax. I’m joking. Mostly.
EDIT: The lovely Risha over at you can read me anything pointed out the most obvious letting-loose-meltdown activity.
Get a crazy piercing or tattoo. Duh. Why did I not think of this myself?!
Jami Sheets 
awww the lusty lady! gotta love seattle!
And i vote for adopting a pet! Go do it now!!
I would feel way too sorry for the pet.
haha! no way! you’d be a good pet mommy.
Do not adopt a pet, I will not take care of it.
I will however take care of a baby.
Do not become a slut, I will not watch you die of AIDS.
I agree with the long hair thing. (As this confirms mother was right all along)
Do not take any illegal drugs, I will not bail you out of jail.
Musician, well been there done that.
I have no idea what polyamory is, so I think not.
Rob is an idiot.
Why don’t you try being normal, that would be average, you’ve never done that before.
Love Mom.
Are you suggesting I get knocked up?!
Geez, Mom. You never let me do anything!
I second the Travel to Asia thing. But you’re doing Chile- you have travel pretty much sorted.
I tend to drink myself into sarcastic, destructive stupors where I make several questionable decisions about boys, drugs, and say stupid things about rock and roll. With your history of rock and roll class, I think you’re safe there. But still, it was a whole lot of fucked up behaviour, taking my clothes off when I shouldn’t have and nearly failing my last year of uni. I have a scaffold (http://www.bodyjewelleryshop.com/img/body_piercing_information/piercing_locations/piercing_images/scaffold_piercing.jpg) from that time. I had it pierced in one of my few sober sessions. I did it so I could legitimately drink myself dead to get over the pain.
I once rode a motorcycle up a mountain-way. I was drunk. He was high. We didn’t crash, but when we made it to the top, we ended up having sex. We were almost arrested. It was funny then. It’s not so funny now: my entire career marred by a whole phase of stupidity. It would be deserved.
The amount of sex- bad, terrible, godawful sex far outweighed the fantastic- that came my way was insane. It’s crazy what being drunk and high, coupled with an urge to self-combust, will do to your inhibitions, your sense of self and your common sense. It’ll make you go home with the first boy who asks. Or maybe that’s just me. It’ll make you say hurtful things because you can. It’ll make the word “secret” a joke. It’ll make you hate like you’ve never hated before. It’ll make you sob in showers and take pregnancy tests. It’ll have you piss off and alienate almost everyone you know. It’ll make the rest avoid you. So you continue to spiral and explode.
So. It’s probably best to plan it.
That and did your mum just call Rob an idiot? Ha!
I just want to say, I love how honest you are. I know a lot of people who go through similar things and are clammed up about it.
That being said – yeah. I’m very much an “in-control” kind of person, I think. Even when I drink in excess, with the exception of a few weeks ago, I’m good about making sure I don’t make dumb mistakes with boys or driving and that kind of thing. But then, I’ve always been dating someone, so I don’t think just of myself.
I hate hurting people, I hate feeling terrible, I hate regrets, and I hate hating things and people. So I don’t think I have any choice but to plan it out so that I can avoid those things.
And yeah. My mom called poor Rob an idiot. I already called her and tried to explain that, no, Rob is awesome. So you know. Ha.
That’s a good thing, you know? The planning, the hating regrets and generally hating all the stuff that’s worth hating.
I’m sure you’ll keep a tight rein on the crazy which is a good thing. Or hey, get a new; slightly crazy piercing!
xxx
WHY did I not think of a crazy tattoo or piercing! Something I’ll surely laugh about later down the road? THAT IS BRILLIANT.
The mother/daughter exchange is hilarious.
Please don’t be average though. People who have average meltdowns are on antidepressants and that is just boring.
Ha! Thanks for encouraging this. Going a little crazy is way more fun than anti-depressants.
1. That frozen pizza/Jane Austen movie marathon sounds and looks like heaven to me.
2. Rob is the coolest. That guy gives out good advice.
3. In spite of the fact that your mom called Rob an idiot, I also think she’s pretty cool.
4. I’m a big proponent of naps/siestas and wholeheartedly believe that taking a nap can solve most of life’s problems.
5. I really hope that things improve for you. And I’m sure they will. Especially if you take a nap.
Even with all the crappy stuff going on, I can’t help but feel ridiculously optimistic. I think it helps that I’m already a nap fanatic. My freshman year at school, my roomie and I would put in earplugs and take “life-changing” naps – I still swear by them when things are rough.
And I’m thinking of replicating my Jane Austen marathon. They are so good, it’s ridiculous.
For the record, I am definitely an idiot.
I’m not on the verge of a meltdown, but I would like to do something kind of crazy. I was thinking about using airbnb.com to find a place in a city I’ve never been to and go there, just because.
You should! On my 30 before 30, I plan to spend a whole day in a completely unknown city by myself – since I’m terrified of asking for help and that kind of thing, it’s scary, but it’s also exciting. Where would you go?
I think your friends are right. Even Rob seems smarter.
No, don’t get knocked up, and you said I would regret it when I got my tatoo.
But I still don’t know what polyamory is?
I like the idea of scheduling a meltdown!! I think I’m definitely having fun with my “crazy time” right now.. I’m traveling Asia (dude, you should do it!).. I got my first tattoo… You could say I’m adopting a religion temporarily since I’m at a Zen monastery for about 5 months… I am totally NOT the hook-up/casual type but I’m fantasizing about effing a foreigner (you know, a European, not an American although does that technically count since I’m in Asia?) and finally trying out my bicuriosity.. For the first time ever (and I am AFRAID of heights) I WANT to jump off a plane!!! All of this after the disintegration of a 5 year relationship almost 2 years ago… Is this typical or what!? 😛
Ha, I feel like I have to schedule it, otherwise I’ll have a hard time actually ACTING on it.
You seem to be well ahead of me, good thing I’m now following your blog – I’ll know what to expect, especially if I decide to take on the Asia thing. (Stupid student loans will likely upset this idea.)
I guess it is pretty typical to reinvent yourself after a relationship that takes up a double-digit percentage in your life, but it’s the only thing that feels right. Better than eating ice cream and watching soap operas, that’s for sure!
hope I can be of some insight.
And bah. I only seem well ahead because it’s been 2 years. It took me a year to finally get my ass to Asia, but I had been thinking about it/planning since the break up 😛
BAH student loans! I froze mine (I think the term is deferment right?) for a year and they kick up again in November which is fastly approaching and I’m just kind of naively thinking to myself that it will work out in the end and I can make some money by that time even though I haven’t been doing much to make money right now..
I know what you mean about actually ACTING on it.. For me I probably wouldn’t have done this without signing myself up to a volunteer group where I HAD to make deadlines and commitments so I HAD to buy my tickets and fill out the applications and move the process along.
Yep, definitely feels right.
Stick with that momentum!
After having read this entire thing, I think I’m due for a mental breakdown as well. I don’t know how crazy I want to go though, so I’ll have to give it some thought…
Regardless, I do think you should do something that makes you feel completely free. You’ve lived most of your life under the constraints of rules, instructions and boundaries. Now that you’re basically an adult, but not quite the boring type yet – why not go wild? You have 8 months before you make another pivotal step in your life and why not make it 8 memorable months! I’m so jealous of you going to Chile! Sounds awesome.
By the way, I love your mom’s comments above! So funny.
I don’t know how crazy I want to go either, which is why planning is critical. And you’re right. I only have a short time before I have to buckle down and be a boring kind of grown up. I’m excited to (thoughtfully) live it up a bit.y!
Give it some thought. Go a little crazy with me. I bet you won’t regret it, and it’s super good to know that I’m not the only one who thinks this way!
Had no internet for a while. Missed this epic post.
Feeling a shitshow of my own coming on now, so I’m taking what I read to heart.
I can say this about hallucinogens now: hallucinogens are good if you are at the right place with the right people. They are ONLY good if you are at the right place with the right people. When I think of it that way, maybe just being at the right place with the right people will do the trick.
I got you in bloggerstock!
Ha, well I’m glad you came to check it out, seeing as how you DID contribute. And got my mom freaked out about the polyamory thing. Good work.
I will consider your words about hallucinogens when considering this list. Right people, right place. Got it.
You are welcome to join my shit-show pity party! And you’ll get to, because you got me in bloggerstock! Which is a little awesome. I’m a little stoked to have you post here. Because I like your blog, sir.