there’s a sense of inconstancy that’s sort of surrounded my life since i graduated from high school — always waiting for the next thing. waiting for college to finish, for my first campaign jobs to end, for the perfect job to come along, for the next campaign job to end, for chile, for chile to end…

and of course, now, waiting for my campaign job to end.

in those years i’ve bounced around. from apartment to apartment, to my parents house and back, i’ve never really known any sense of permanence in my environment since graduating. not that there’s anything wrong with that — there’s a sense of freedom in that. but every plant needs roots.

so i’ve tried to build mine up around me in the people i know. my ex, my friends, etc. a huge building block for me, especially as i life for chile, was my family. they were there, and they weren’t going anywhere. until even that changed.

now, as this campaign cycle swirls me into a frenzy of nerves and activity and barrels of stress, i find myself longing for something permanent for a change.

i want to look to my family, but i’m still learning the dynamics of these changes. it doesn’t feel permanent yet. i want to look to my friends, my boyfriend, but my past has made me wary and taught me not to lean too heavily..

so from where i’m standing, i have a job that i love ending in 38 days with no firm prospects after. i have an apartment with a lease ending in february in a city i don’t know well enough to call home. i’ve got friends and a boyfriend who love me, but i often feel like the outsider in their close-knit group.

and i feel lonely. i don’t know where my home is anymore.

days before i turn 27, you’d think i’d have some sort of clue by now.