Saturday was a hard day for me. I knew, when I left seven and a half months ago, that it would be. And that’s because on October 8, two of my best friends got married.

I got a glimpse of the beautiful wedding via the wonders of technology. While waiting for the wedding to start, I chatted with a few friends between my viewings of Dr. Who, expressing the regret of my absence, the awesomeness of Chile, and the anticipation of my return in December.

As the wedding started, my video cut out, but I was still able to hear the ceremony. It was short, sweet, and altogether lovely. And just like that, two of my best friends were married.

Though I was stoked to have been there in some fashion, it was still really hard on me. I didn’t want to be there in some fashion. I wanted to be there. 

Though we’ve only been friends a few years — Mel and I met when we were both wage slaves at Macy’s — I’ve been through a lot with these two. From break ups, to hook ups, to badly thought out make outs, to debaucherous nights and chill evenings over tacos, they’ve been there for me. And, had I been there, I’d have helped with the whole affair. That’s just a part of who I am — a pretty damn dedicated friend to those who’ve been good to me. (Sometimes even those who aren’t all that good to me, but that’s a topic for another day.)

But, over a year ago, I decided to be selfish. Part of that demanded that I put what I wanted before what I thought I “owed” my friends. In that particularly selfish time, I wasn’t talking with them and I felt a bit of resentment — I don’t owe anyone anything, I thought. I want to live for myself, and not for my friends.

So I did that. And in doing that, I’ve learned that I was partially right — I don’t owe anyone anything. But, I want to be there for my friends. I want to give as much as I can.

That’s what makes this travelling and making friends thing really hard. With Brad and Mel, along with all my other friends at home, I’ll be back. I’ll be there for other important things. I’ll be around to give and to give and to help and to hang out and all that. There will be plenty of time to make up for missing all of this time.

But my friends here? I can’t say as much.

You make friends fast when you’re abroad. Brought together by the intense feeling of being so far away from home, connections are formed quickly and deeply. There are late night heart to hearts over a box of wine in those first weeks, there are epic nights out, there’s travelling and sharing incredible sights and experiences. It’s nearly impossible to not forge connections here.

But they’re temporary. But at least with my gringo friends, I can travel fairly cheaply in the US to see them.

But one of my best friends that I’ve made here — or, really, anywhere, is Chilean. When I leave here, I’m not, in theory, coming back. Knowing that I won’t be able to hang out with her six days a week, go shopping with her, make weird noises on the street with her, all of that…that really sucks.

In some ways, I’d rather have a boyfriend that I have to leave. The thing with boyfriends and girlfriends is that you always know that there’s a possibility that they could end. Sure, you try not to entertain the idea too much, but it should be there, lingering in the back of your mind somewhere. But with friends, it’s different. There aren’t any reservations in deepening your connections, opening yourself up like there are in relationships — in that way, it’s almost more dangerous to make friends abroad than to get into a relationship.

A good friendship can be just as intense as a relationship. There’s a lot of love in a good friendship, a lot of conversation, a similar closeness. Leaving that can be even harder as a boyfriend or girlfriend — because when I return to the US, I’m not going to be on the lookout for a new BFF. For one, I have several really close friends. But on top of that, you can have many close friends at a time. It’s leaving a relationship hanging on a thread, entering a perpetually forever LDR.

That’s why I’m so torn about the fact that I’ve booked my plane ticket home. Yes, I’ll get to see my friends and family again, and I’m stoked for that. But I’m also leaving all of my friends here, many of them forever.

This is probably redundant, but I’m having trouble tearing the concept from my mind. Leaving will be incredibly difficult on me.