DISCLAIMER: This post is brought to you by my friendly neighborhood googletalk therapist, and this post has been sitting in my drafts folder (unfinished) for over a week. I think. The characteristics I discuss here are pretty standard in boys I tend to date, from my first boyfriend in the seventh grade, to my most recent interest, with only a couple of exceptions, so I’m not pointing fingers. Also important to note: this doesn’t come from a place of anger or hurt feelings. Quite the opposite, actually.

So I have a thing for mysteries. Always have. My favorite board game is Clue. My favorite show when I was a kid was Ghost Writer. I’ve seen pretty much every single episode of Law and Order SVU ever made. Basically, I like taking what I know and rearranging it in my head to find the larger truth.

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve really started to apply this thinking to people. People fascinate me. I want to know what makes them the way they are now, what makes them tick, and what they want. I like being able to read someone in the first five minutes that I’ve met them – and I’ve gotten pretty damn good at it. I know instantly if I like someone or not. I read the clues to figure out who they are, what they’re about, and what’s important to them. It’s not hard when you know what you’re looking for.

Figuring people CAN be a mystery. But when you sit around and read/judge people as often as I do, the mysteries become easier and easier to figure out to the point where I’ve recently realized that I have a tendency to be judgmental. This tendency has been honed into an art by hanging out with many of my more snarky friends. I see someone, talk to them for five minutes (more like five seconds) and assume I know exactly what they’re about.

But, occasionally, I’m stumped. Some people, even after asking them countless questions, listening to them talk for hours, many more hours of serious intimacy…some are still just hard to figure out.

I am incredibly drawn to these kinds of people. Especially these kinds of boys. The boys that say enough to get your interest piqued, but never explain the full story. The ones who disappear for hours or days and never really explain where they went or what they did.

Some people, like my googletalk therapist, have called this the “bad boy” fixation. After much contemplation, I suppose I’m ready to reluctantly agree with him.

Right now I am interested in a boy. At first, I was incredibly out of my element with this boy. Why? He talks to me all the time. He tells me he likes me. He says nice things. Not in excess, mind you – just the right amount to where I appreciate it without it being weird or creepy.

It shouldn’t throw me off. A boy being up front and honest about how he feels about a girl shouldn’t freak the girl out. Girls are supposed to like boys who are nice to them.

Except for the fact that I have actively dismissed nice guys for as long as I can remember. My reasoning is simple: they’re too nice. I feel like “nice” often correlates with “needy” (the truth in this statement is debatable, and I’ll probably lose, I know), and I don’t tolerate neediness, or co-dependence, or anything like that. I abide 100% by Alanis’s statement: “I don’t want to be your other half, I believe that one and one make two.”

So I tend to fall for guys who are very wrapped up in their own lives, their own interests, and their own projects and passions. As I’ve discussed before, they tend to be musicians or artists of some kind. Whatever. The point is, whatever it is they’re passionate about, they’re usually really dedicated to it. And they clam up sometimes. They shut down. They don’t fully let me in if they bother to open the door at all.

That’s basically my excuse for these boys ignoring me half the time while they focus on their own things. It never hurt me or upset me – part of the reason I was into these guys was because they were so passionate about what it is they do. But what it also amounted to that they would ignore me half the time – and want me desperately the other half. There’s nothing better than feeling wanted or needed, and they always did that part well when they got around to it.

So, I dunno, man. I like a guy. And he very clearly likes me. I’ve gotten over the initial omg wtf why do i like him so much what is going on why does he like me thing. So I guess that’s good. And hanging out with this boy makes me happy. So like. I dunno. Maybe I’m starting to grow out of the “bad boy” fixation?

Well that’s just weird. Where’s the mystery? Where’s the mystique? Why is it, that even without a mystery to solve about this boy, I’m still interested and excited about him?

This doesn’t fit my method of operation. That freaks me out. But moments like these are the ones that make life worth living, right?

(Photo by my wonderful friend, Mackenzie.)

So. Right. Maybe I should just listen to all of my loud mouthed friends who say things like “shut the fuck up, quit whining that a boy likes you and you like him back, and let things happen for once.” OK friends. You win. Which I guess is a win for everyone. So, again. No more bitching. Just living.

Oh, and here’s a little rundown on the life and the blog as of lates:

• I turned in my application for Chile! This is really happening, folks. I’m crazy stoked.
• I stopped doing my 365 about two weeks ago (or more…I’m afraid to admit how long it’s really been). I was just going to wash my hands of it, since what I really like about it is that it’s gotten me to write more, and I’ve been fairly decent at that anyway. But, at the urging of a couple of real-life friends (who are also doing it) we’re going to call this a hiatus and I’ll get back on the bandwagon tomorrow. So be looking for that.
• Politics aside, I’m starting to really like my job. I honestly didn’t think I would get to that point. But I’m glad that I am, because things are going to start really picking up here after the primary on Tuesday. I’ve honestly never been so excited about a primary election before.
• Life has all around just been very good lately. I’m moving forward with my plans. I’m happy with work. I love the people I’ve been hanging out with. And I’ve done all this on my own. I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished. I pulled myself out of a serious depression to feel better and more hopeful than I have in years. And I’m not doing it for anyone else — and that’s the first time in my life I’ve been able to say, “I’m doing this for me.”

Sorry to get all sappy there. But really. Things are good.